Before we can talk about making better decisions, we have to start with a more fundamental question:
What actually matters to you?
That’s where values come in.
At their core, values are the attributes, principles, or preferences that feel meaningful and important to you. Some values are simple and concrete—like preferring strawberry ice cream over chocolate (which I do). Others are more abstract, such as valuing honesty, loyalty, or integrity in how we live and relate to others.
Both matter. But not all values carry the same weight in every situation.
Why Our Brains Default to Comfort and Security
Most of us move through life reacting—responding to what feels urgent, uncomfortable, or emotionally charged in the moment. And there’s a reason for that.
Our brains are wired for survival. From an evolutionary standpoint, comfort and security signal safety. When things feel smooth, easy, and predictable, our nervous system interprets that as, “We’ve arrived. Let’s stay here as long as we can.”
Pain, discomfort, or distress signals danger. Comfort and pleasure signal safety.
That wiring makes sense when survival is the primary goal.
But here’s the problem: once we move beyond survival, comfort alone is no longer a reliable guide for living a meaningful life.
Comfort Is Not the Same as Fulfillment
Some of the most meaningful, fulfilling, and life-giving decisions we make are uncomfortable by design.
Growth requires tension.
Maturity requires restraint.
Strong relationships require courage, patience, and emotional regulation.
Becoming the kind of person who can steward responsibility, blessings, and relationships well often requires us to tolerate discomfort in the short term for something far better in the long term.
That’s why, in the Choose Better framework, we intentionally pause before letting our primitive brain run the show. Instead of automatically choosing what feels easiest or most soothing in the moment, we ask:
What value should guide this decision?
A Real-Life Example: Parenting, Candy Bars, and Competing Values
Let’s make this practical.
Imagine you’re at the grocery store with your child. They see a candy bar and want it—right now. When you say no, the crying starts. The pleading escalates. Maybe there’s a full-blown tantrum in aisle five.
In that moment, giving in and handing over the candy bar is still a value-based decision—but it’s one driven by short-term values such as:
- Peace and quiet
- Avoidance of conflict
- Avoidance of embarrassment
- Emotional relief for yourself
Those values aren’t “wrong.” They’re human. And in the moment, they feel urgent.
But they come at a cost.
Over time, the child learns that crying, threatening, or throwing a tantrum is an effective strategy. They learn that intensity overrides communication, and that boundaries dissolve under pressure—even when the thing they want isn’t good for them, like eating sugar before dinner.
Short-term peace creates long-term problems.
Now contrast that with choosing higher, longer-term values.
As a parent, you may value:
- Teaching patience
- Mutual respect
- Healthy communication
- Emotional regulation
- Modeling self-control and integrity
Choosing those values means tolerating discomfort—your child’s distress and your own. It means holding the boundary even when your nervous system wants the noise to stop. It means calmly reinforcing that how we ask for things matters just as much as what we want.
That choice is harder in the moment. But it builds something far more important: a child who learns to regulate emotions, communicate respectfully, and trust boundaries.
Often, these are the very values we want to embody ourselves.
Choosing Better Means Choosing the Higher Value
This is the heart of choosing better.
It’s not about ignoring emotions or pretending discomfort doesn’t exist. It’s about recognizing that feelings alone are not reliable decision-makers.
Choosing better means:
- Identifying the competing values in a moment
- Naming when comfort, peace, or avoidance is driving the decision
- Intentionally choosing the higher value aligned with who you want to become
When we consistently choose in alignment with our values—even imperfectly—we build integrity, trust in ourselves, and a deeper sense of peace.
Our values matter deeply, but so do the values of the people around us. Choosing better means asking questions, understanding what matters to others, and aiming for decisions that don’t just work for me – but work for us.
Not Sure What Your Values Are
You’re not alone. Many people have never intentionally defined their values—they’ve simply inherited them, reacted to circumstances, or absorbed them from culture, family, or survival patterns.
If you’re unsure where to start, I explore this in depth in Choose Better: The Optimal Decision-Making Framework. There’s an entire chapter dedicated to:
- What values are (and what they aren’t)
- How to identify your personal values
- How to use them as a practical compass for everyday decisions
Another way to improve this skill in both identifying the higher value and how to implement them in a practical way, Pivot Care Groups are a space to slow down, reflect, and discern higher values together.
Because once you know what matters most, choosing better becomes clearer—even when it’s uncomfortable.
And that clarity is what allows us not just to survive, but to live well.
